Sigh

Paradox, contradiction, roller coaster, peaks and valleys.

That's what last week was. It started on Sunday with a miracle. The birth of a precious baby boy to our friends Jarratt & Lindsey. It was followed only 4 days later by the death of a very dear friend, Lindsey's dad, Duray. That was followed very closely by my own personal rug being forcibly yanked out from below me. I guess I'm reeling, or in shock because part of me feels no different, part of me is just existing. But when I pause, when I slow down, the bricks come tumbling down and the longer I stay still the faster they come. There is so much inside, and yet I feel so empty, so much I want to get out, and no one to give it to. I feel at a loss, I don't know what to do, how to react, so I just go, I don't think, I just do the next thing that is required of me.

Sometimes,

Somedays,

being with Duray.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to end my life, that's not in me. But being taken home, even tho there are so many things I want to do, when the most precious of those seems to be falling away, its those days when the other side sounds pretty appealing.

Blah, vent complete as it can be for the 'public'

Current mood: numb

Do You Ever . . .

. . .  look back on your history and wonder HOW in the HECK you got yourself there?

             I've had some conversations lately that have brought up some retched old memories. Part of me wondered why I was so morbidly driven to have those conversations but really I think it was to remember where I've been. I look back at a certain time in my life and cannot believe it was me that was so brainwashed. Someone who can take on the DA's office, a murderer and the like w/o blinking an eye once TRULY believed that no one would ever love me, that it was no wonder why my daddy left, that I was worthless. All of this because of one person, his influence combined with other events pushed me into the arms of something just as hurtful although I didn't see it at the time. It never ceases to amaze me the links that we will go to run from our pain when the only real, true answer is God and His love, grace, and mercy. But man it sure did take me a while to realize that. A while and some mistakes I'd do anything to change, not only for me but for the others involved as well.

 . . .  look back at someone else's history and wonder HOW in the HECK they got there?

      I was contacted this week by a blast from someone else's past. I won't give the details, just to say someone I was both curious about and terrifed of. Someone I feared even more than I realized. At first I was angry that this person would contact me, what right did they have? Then I was once again morbidly curious. Finally after a few emails and the like I think I have a better understanding of certain things. Not to say that I wouldn't change them if I could, but I can't and you know what? My sins are no better or worse.

 . . .  look back and your history and know that you'd cut off a limb to change things?

. . .  look back at someone else's history and know you'd cut off your own limb to change it for them?

. . . just wish things could have been different?

. . . wonder why God allows things to happen?

Whew

Well the past two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster on a scale I haven't experienced in a looooooong time and hope not to experience again for a loooooooong time. To make the long story short two weeks ago on Tuesday the 8th while I was in Florida with the Fishers I got word that my adoptive dad passed away. While he's been a drunk all my life there is still some shock when someone only in his mid-40's is suddnely gone.  So we drove home for his visitation then had to come back to the Boro for Michael graduation, which was an emotional high. The next week came time for confirmation through the school. As I tried to do so I found all sorts of complications that I had previously asked about but been told were fine. However these complications prevented me from getting the loan I needed in time to confirm. I had some MUCH appreciated help in this area but still it was shaking b/c this is my LAST semester and I've already got my internship and cannot lose it. That was last Tuesday. Then this past Tuesday, while on my way to work an old man ran a stop sign in the rain and totalled my car. Thankfully I am okay and so was he but for anyone who knows me, they know that car had serious sentimental value. It was the first thing my birth father had ever done for me, and it was the first thing that was really 'mine.' So this has been really tough for me too.

Anyway, all of that to say please keep me in your prayers. My moral is not so good right now. Sometimes I struggle to trust God, much less understand.

MEW

Why is it that just when life seems to be "Falling" into place, it suddenly "Falls" apart. Sometimes I think I'm the subject of one big cruel joke. In my heart I truly want to do what is right, live for God and love those around me. That's the base of it all and somehow no matter how I strive I do something wrong. There are times that I wonder if all the effort is worth it.

At this point I'm pretty sure its not.